I haven't worked on my novel in a few months, but in a fit of inspiration this morning decided to get back to work. Here's a re-write of the first paragraph.
On his way to work, Bob McIntire stopped by Dunkin' Donuts to buy bagels and a cup of coffee. At precisely 6 a.m. he pulled his blue Ford Fusion into the parking garage. As he entered the foyer at the Orlando Herald, he clutched the bag of bagels in his teeth, held his coffee in one hand, scanned an electronic access card with the other and entered the building. He exchanged a courtesy “good morning” greeting with the security guard just inside the door and headed for the stairs. He topped the stairs and rounded the corner toward the center row of cubicles. Careful not to spill the coffee, but not so careful to prevent bagel crumbs falling into the computer keyboard, he sat the cup down on a napkin and turned to boot up his PC. Noticing the blinking message light on the telephone, he turned his attention toward checking voicemail first; e-mail would have to wait for later.
Here's the entry before I revised it.
As usual Bob McIntire arrived to work at 6 a.m., bagel and coffee in hand. As he entered the foyer of the Herald, he was careful to use the door handle to avoid smudging the glass on the front door that the cleaning staff had been so diligent to clean overnight. He headed up the stairs to his second floor office, preferring the exercise to the elevator, and rounded the corner toward the center row of cubicles to his desk. Careful not to spill the coffee, but not so careful to avoid letting crumbs from the bagel spill into the computer keyboard, he sat the cup down on a napkin and turned to boot up his PC.
Noticing the blinking message light on the telephone, he turned his attention toward checking voicemail first; the e-mail would have to wait for later. McIntire had been expecting a return call from a local contact regarding a tip that a local auto dealer was under investigation by the State Attorney’s General office for unscrupulous sales practices.
It's worth noting that I wrote the original version almost two years ago. I'm interested in your impressions of the revisions. When I wrote the first draft I was worried more about getting it down on paper first, then letting it "simmer for a while" and revising it later.
Do you think the revision is an improvement? Are there other suggestions for changes that would make it even better?