I think I naturally gravitate toward telling instead of showing, but I don't think that's how it's supposed to work. Here's a passage I've been working on that ended up "telling" too much.
Since returning from Iraq, U.S. Army Captain Riley Burke struggled to sleep through the night. He’d been diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome and could no longer pursue an Army career. At first, Riley excelled in his position as a company commander with the 101st Airborne Division. He even enjoyed it. But, after they deployed to Iraq, the day-to-day drain wore him down. He’d lost soldiers to car bombs, lost friends to roadside bombs, and almost lost his own life to an improvised explosive device while supervising a clean-up operation in Baghdad.
I re-wrote it in an attempt to "show":
U.S. Army Captain Riley Burke spent most nights in Iraq tossing and turning - struggling to sleep through an hour never mind an entire night. Days of desert heat and nights filled with sounds of distant gunfire wore him down. There was plenty of blood and guts, but little glory. The Army recruiters failed to tell you that part. He’d lost soldiers to car bombs, lost friends to roadside bombs, and almost lost his own life to an improvised explosive device while supervising a clean-up operation in Baghdad.
So many nights in the desert he'd dreamed of returning to Tennessee to be with his family. Back home for six months, Riley wasn't resting well in his sister's home. The reality of it all - the nightmares - still plagued him. In the years he'd been away from Beech Grove, the town had changed and he'd changed too.
Do you think I succeeded?